As every sun must set, so does every journey. It reaches its end, way faster than we can ever hold on to it. This trip I would have to say, is one of the harder ones to let go of.  For one, despite me being quite a strong person so used to being alone (I’ve been living on my own for over 9 years now), I have oddly never gotten used to goodbyes.

I remember when I was a little girl, I would wake up to tears every time I would awake from an afternoon nap, because then I would realize that my mom left my side while I was sleeping, so she could run an errand or head off to work. Of course as a little girl, I couldn’t quite comprehend why she had to leave my side, and it broke my heart each time. In retrospect however, I realize how blessed I am to have a mother who has worked so hard for years, yet always made time to put us to short afternoon naps, albeit her sneaking off to work again, shortly after littly Cathy has gone to lalaland.

But somehow, I guess our childhood really plays a huge role in our formation as adults, because even to this day, every time I wake up from afternoon naps, I get flashes of those childhood memories and still feel that pang of sadness, as if waking up to another empty side of my bed.

Now the reason why I’m sharing such a personal part of myself (hardly anyone ever knows about this, except Mathias. And now the rest of you my beloved readers), is because I think it is important for us to recognize and make peace with what makes us sad, and for us to eventually have enough strength to deal with them. For me, it’s being away from my family and loved ones. I mentioned earlier that I have been living on my own for over 9 years already, but each time my mom or my sister visits me in Manila, and I drive them to the airport to catch their flight home, I still cry like a little baby as I drive all the way back by myself. Same thing happens when I hug my dad goodbye everytime I visit him home, there goes little Cathy, crying shamelessly. (And even as I write this down, trust me when I say there goes little Cathy again…)

I leave in a few hours and probably as you read this article, I would already be on a plane back home to Manila, all by myself. I would have already given Mathias a hundred million hugs, wetting his shoulder with my tears as I painfully say “I’ll see you soon..” And to think, we’ll only be apart for a few weeks till he flies back to Manila too, yet here I am filled with all of my childhood memories, trying to hold on to every second I get to sneak into his armpit, as he hugs me tightly.

I know being away from loved ones, whatever way however long, is probably the most painfully difficult challenge any person can ever go through. And I honestly feel for those, whose parents, siblings or partners have to work abroad or vice versa, just so they could get by, because of the lack of opportunities in our country or just because. They are our modern day heroes I have to say, because sacrificing your time with your family in order to put food on the table, or simply to provide, or even to chase your dreams in a foreign land, is just about the bravest most heart wrenching piece of sacrifice anyone can ever do. Same goes for those who are left behind. For hearts so deep, filled with selfless understanding and relentless support for their loved ones, I must say, I am in absolute awe of their bravery. And my heart goes out to all of them, to all of you, who in one way or the other, have been through similar heroic acts.

And as for me, I would have to be my own hero right now, as I have been in the last 9 years of being away from home. Going to keep that head up high, because afterall, my heart is full – of peace, hope and love. And as always, I will patiently wait, till I get to see my love once again. ❤️

XX, Cath

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Home. ❤️

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